The things you can’t outrun
The ghosts of our past continue with us on our journey unless we seek them out.
My ghost is the “calling” to change the world — make it a better place. My ghost was founded in guilt: guilt surrounding my privilege growing up. While so many around the world struggle to meet their basic needs, I have always had everything (physically) needed to survive and thrive. In my head, it became my sworn duty for life, to make the world a better place. I owed the world that much. It was — is — the lifelong debt I owed and needed to start paying back.
At 16, I decided that I wanted to become an engineer. My version of changing the world was defined in terms of increasing and improving access to infrastructure services — access to safe and reliable transport, sanitation services, and housing. This vision carried me through almost three years of a civil engineering degree, while I let many important seams fray.
I relied on the anticipated breaks between terms to breathe properly and it was never sustainable. I had to address my ghost.
What value can I add to anything when my own ship is threatening to sink?
My ghost came forth, albeit with hostility. It insisted: there’s no time to repair your ship, you have more urgent work to do.
No one is given a guide on how to live their best life. No such guide could be written justly — everyone’s best life is differentiated by their values and what they are willing to sacrifice in the name of these values. Most of us, in times of stress or “fight and flight mode”, fall back on instincts and habits that we have had since childhood. These usually don’t suffice when dealing with our major and important life challenges.
One of my fallback instincts is to focus on an “easier” challenge when I perceive that my urgent challenges are too difficult or painful to tackle directly. Once I’ve resolved my “easier” challenge, I conveniently continue to leave the more difficult or painful challenge parked. The cost — my ability to remain calm in the face of everyday life things. The even worse payoff — getting irritated when my son talks to me about everyday kid concerns. Verified not cool.
During a recent test week, I had the overwhelming urge to drop my undergraduate degree. Finally call it quits. Normally, I’d push through similar urges, and do what I needed to do for the sake of the exams while parking those thoughts for a less stressful time. This time, my usual coping strategy wasn’t working. These thoughts seeped into every study session. Even when I physically removed myself from the general engineering building, getting myself onto the grass and into the sun, the thoughts permeated my mind. My head was drowning. I remember driving to campus during this week and entertaining the idea of being in a deliberate accident by driving the car into the median of the road. I could no longer deny that the situation was bad. Yet, life was continuing around me, so I too believed that I had to carry on.
We must tend to ourselves before our emergency sirens sound. Waiting for the internal emergency call is not a quality way to live.
I don’t want my responsibilities to drag me out of bed. My will to live must always supersede the call of my responsibilities. Leaning on the persistent call of your responsibilities can — and will — fail you as it has recently failed me.
I want to once again spring out of bed, happy and grateful to be alive. Ready and energised to handle my responsibilities and enjoy the gift of life.
I don’t have any clearcut path to achieve this. I do know things that will help me get there:
- More time outside. Time in the sun, surrounded by greenery, is for me the cheapest, quickest way to recharge my “zest for life” battery.
- More time in the sauna. It’s one of the few places where my thoughts die down and I can enjoy much needed silence in my head.
- Less time online. In any form. Unless I’m actively choosing to learn things through newsletters, articles and the like, less habitual distractions forces me to be with my thoughts and be deliberate about my time.
- More time in the mountains and at the beach. The best places to experience undiluted euphoria.
- More time writing, unapologetically. Some people are blessed with the ability to express themselves through their music. I am happy to contend with writing to work through my thoughts and express what I would like to share with the world.
- Continuing to choose being present with loved ones over leaning for my phone. I have made it a top priority to not touch my phone when I am with my son, family and friends, and I will continue to do so. They must never doubt when I am with them that I would want to be anywhere else. They must know through my mental and physical presence that I value the time I spend with them.
What are the things that will help you get there?
